IN OTHER NEWS...

I finally got Dorian Gray on DVD. So, so happy.

AND YOU CAN'T STAND IT.

I'm not one for busy weekends, but this is one I will be able to get behind. Tomorrow, I'm going to Garrett's house with Kyle, and we're playing James Bond video games and Clue and messing with Ouija boards, and then his mom will yell at us for attracting crows. Knowing how it went last time when we were supposed to be doing our summer assignment for AP US History, we'll be playing games for hours. And hours. And hours.

Sunday is a homework today, because I'm 2 chapters behind for outlines in AP Bio, and I need to finish reading The Scarlet Letter and do recall patterns. Monday will be my favorite day, since a ton of my friends are coming over and we're going to have a Mario Party 8 Party in my room. At least 6 people are coming, and I'm super excited. For some reason, we get together to play video games or go to midnight premiers. I'm not afraid to admit that we're trying to form a Harry Potter club at school, and we've all ready planned who's going as who to the Harry Potter DHP7 premier. I am SO pumped for that. We're awfully dorky.

I'm really glad that it's September, and I hope that the year flies by super fast. I just have to remember to sign up to retake the AIMS tests, because I definitely want to Exceed Expectations in Math and Reading. I'm just really bad at tests. Really, really bad.

Tear it Down.

Today, I surprised myself. I came home, made a bowl of popcorn, and I did homework for two and a half hours. An hour on AP Bio outlines, and an hour and a half on APUSH summary/reactions to Chapter 2 of the best history book I've ever written. It was awesome. I plan on doing the same tomorrow.

Lisa and I just watched Dorian Gray, since she Netflix'd it. I watched it on Christmas online, and it was much nicer watching it on an actual TV. I still love that movie, although Prince Caspian is my absolute favorite.

As if Key Club wasn't enough to do on Saturday, along with my homework, I also am:
- going to breakfast with my family
- going to Key Club
- doing homework
- going to a bonfire
- trying to fit in sleep.

Everything would be on the same day. Totally typical.

I've all ready improved on my kindness, I'd like to think. Now, I need to improve my math grade and ace my quiz tomorrow. Fingers crossed!

Weightless.

I haven't blogged in about a month. That is totally insane. I think it's because I got a Tumblr, and while it's not "blogging", it's easier for me to do, because it takes a second to post something there, and half an hour for me to post something here. In other news, I've started school. I've stayed up to midnight all ready, broken down, stressed out over tests, failed my math quizzes (as usual!) and improved my outfits. Because that really matters. So far, AP US History is the easiest class, but we also haven't gotten very far, and our teacher has been absent a lot for appointments. English isn't all too terrible, but I'm not very good at memorizing stylistic devices and tropes, so I just have to work on my memorizing skills. AP Bio is all right, but science isn't my strongest subject, so I'm not expecting to do TOO well in that class, but I also know that it is one of the hardest classes you can take in high school, so I'm just happy to even be doing well right now.

In other news, my laptop completely died on me. Well, not really. It just refused to charge, so with 4% left on my battery, I had to find a solution, and quickly. Within three hours, I had used my college funds and bought a Macbook Pro, and that was last Sunday. I got it yesterday, and I am totally in heaven. Switching from a PC to a Mac is definitely hard to get used to, but I'm sure it'll feel more natural to me soon enough. I'm totally the envy of my family! But I'm also $1200 poorer once college rolls around. Bummer!

I'm supposed to be doing Bio outlines and a Dialectic right now, or at least starting them, but I'm just a tad too lazy, unfortunately. I know I shouldn't be, but I came home with a headache, and it just wasn't fun. Tomorrow I will definitely spend an hour on each, and hope that it pays off. I normally don't have much homework in my other classes, considering there's really only two others, so I think I should be fine. I just have to dedicate myself and not get distracted as easily as I usually do.

I've found myself saying really mean things about people, and I'm feeling absolutely terrible about it now that I've thought about it. It's really only about one or two people, but that's just not even acceptable. All of a sudden when school started, I just totally forgot about who I usually am and was just as mean as my friends can sometimes be. I'm working on it, and I'm definitely hoping karma doesn't attack me, as it likes to do.

In cat news, Thomas is definitely getting bigger, but he's still just as annoying as he's always been. It's not that bad, but having to protect the cats from him 24/7 does get a bit old, I have to admit. He's totally precious when he's sleeping, though, or when you first get home and he just wants to be held like a baby. Awh. Blacky's arthritis is getting worse, and we can tell just by the way he walks and sits all of the time. He also has been having issues eating, seeing as everything that he eats comes back out almost immediately. Well, most of the time. It's just not fun. After he's been with me for 14 years, I don't know what I would do without him. He's been a part of my life for as long as I can remember, and I've grown up with him. He may not be my cat, but he definitely means the world to me. I'm hoping he miraculously gets better, because I hate seeing him suffer. Oh, and Angel loves me just as much as she always has, and definitely loves cuddling and taking up the middle of my bed so that I have to awkwardly contort around her. It's perfect. Except when she bites me.

All in all, things are going okay, but they're not the best. I have to work on that. I think doing my homework without procrastinating is very important, as well as remembering what I've learned and continuing to be nice, and thinking positive thoughts about people, and recognizing their negatives are there for a reason, and not just to annoy me.

Also, I really need to clean my room. It's getting cluttered again. There's just too much stuff that needs to be put or thrown away. Mainly tissues. I caught the Buena Cold last week along with the rest of the school, and I'm still getting over it. I can luckily breathe through my nose again, but I'm still sneezing and sniffling a lot, as well as coughing.

I'm excited for this weekend, mainly because on Saturday Key Club is helping out the Boys and Girls Club and we're helping them paint something, though I don't know exactly what, and just cleaning up. And, then it's very likely that Ana, Mary, and I will go up to Tucson to eat Olive Garden, since I am a virgin, and then have a sleepover and watch Dorian Gray. Why did I not find these two sooner?! Dear lord.

So, I think that's enough or a blog update for tonight. A shower is needed, and I probably should get to bed early for once. And pick out my outfit. Good night!

Dress Up In You

Having a good group of friends is fantastic. It really makes a difference in my life, knowing that I have friends like the ones I have. It's awesome.

Right now, I just want it to rain like crazy so I can curl up in bed with some cats and just sleep. I'm really exhausted, and I don't feel like thinking about the rest of my summer homework I have to do. School starts next Wednesday. I don't think I'm ready yet.

How my life works.

This was how my day was supposed to go:
1) Wake up at a decent time, preferably 8.
2) Do normal wakeup routine, eat, and than take a much needed shower.
3) Do some yoga for once!
4) Check some internet goodies and then turn off the laptop.
5) Find a comfy spot and read one of four books that need to be read before school starts in less than a month. (Mind you, one is over 700 pages long and on the genius of Abraham Lincoln.)
6) Make a tasty lunch, like a salad or a sandwich!
7) Read some more.
8) Take a reading break and check up on some internet goodies.
9) Go back to reading!
10) Eat dinner
11) Read more!
12) Go to bed.

That was basically how I wanted my day to go. However.... it wasn't even close to that. I woke up at 7 (which was still decent in my mind), I did my wakeup routine, ate some breakfast, showered, and then checked some internet goodies. And then I checked some more. And then I found this funny blog that I'm still reading at this very moment. Then I decided to watch Spirited Away. And then I watched Howl's Moving Castle. Somewhere in between, I ate some Ramen and got a headache. Said headache got worse when my parents got home from work and Howl's Moving Castle was almost over. I then passed out on my bed because my headache was trying to murder me in some unfair way. I ate buttered toast with some cinnamon sugar for dinner, and then I finally took a much needed pill. Now, my stomach is all 'rawr, feed me more!' even though I really would rather not, so I'm about to eat a Starcrunch because I can't take this anymore.

I think tomorrow I'll try again to start cracking open one of those books. I know that war is an important part of American history, but I do not see why one has to be 500 pages long and all about the American Revolution. I know what happened, I really do. I'm not too interested in all of that detailed stuff.

In other news, in 10-15 days, three Buddha prayer beads will be arriving from China for me. I'm obviously ecstatic, needless to say.

Right now I still feel like keeling over and dying a dramatic death, because I'm feeling overly dramatic today for some odd reason. I'm not normally like this, I promise.

I've also realized I have a crooked smile. Good or bad? I'm not sure.

who made you king of anything?

School starts back up in around 26 days. I still have all of my summer homework assignments to do. Ouch. My books haven't even arrived yet. Double ouch. Let's just say, I need to get cracking. Hopefully, I'll be able to complete it all before I have to head back to school.

I've noticed I'm healthier when I'm going to school, because I walk around a whole lot more (those stairs are totally brutal), and I don't have an "all you can eat" buffet only 30 feet away. And I'm more inspired to eat apples and grapes and brain food to keep me focused.

This year, I have to do better. I can't procrastinate. I can't half-ass my math class. I can't afford to retake another semester of math. I have to do my work, and do it the best I can. I know all ready it's going to be hard, but I just have to ignore the temptations of the internet and TV and movies and whatever, and I just have to suck it up. I really want to get good grades to make my GPA better, so I can be in the top 10% of the class. That's all I really want.

Oh, and I just want to buy more cell phone charms off of Etsy. I've bought one and I'm now addicted. Love.

fireworks.

I'm glad I don't have a busy life, because I could never handle it.

My life.

Kirsten made me cry. I forgive her. My friends are just so incredibly rad. I don't think I'm ever going to forget this night, or having "Mami Sella" stop by, or my parents being so amazing. I've never had a "birthday" like this before, no matter how belated, and I'm always going to remember it. Seriously. These people could not be any cooler.

Real talent:

summerflowers blooming.

The thing I love about my best friend is that we cannot stand talking to each other unless we're in person. We get haughty over instant messenger and Facebook and text messages, but in person everything is absolutely perfect. If I could have it my way, I'd eliminate all of those faceless ways of having conversation. They make small things turn into something big and bad, when really, it's not that bad of a thing. Today was one of the best days I've had in a while, and it was simply because Kyle and I were able to talk face to face again. Even with only six miles between the two of us, we still suck at making plans to hang out on these super boring days. But, ignoring that, we enjoyed today, even though we were ready to tell anybody who asked that we were brother and sister. A boy and a girl are apparently not allowed to go to the movies together unless they are dating. There's just those people who will always be in the "family" category, and that's that.

(And I would never let a boy that I like into my room without getting all my dirty clothes off the floor and brushing my teeth first. Kyle is not one of those boys.)

Separation.

I have never had to deal with a best friend moving away before, and even though I know we're going to talk everyday no matter what when she moves to Germany, I'm going to miss her more than I can imagine. I'm going to tell her about all the cute boys I see, and she's going to tell me about all the cute boys she sees, and we're going to tell each other about new clothes we bought and talk about H&M. It's not going to be enough, but it's going to be all we have.

I find it very hard to believe that I'm related to those three. I have to say, they're some might cool cousins.

I deleted more than half of my blog posts earlier today. Looking back on them, I realized I sounded pretty dumb most of the time, and if I can't stand reading them I don't see how anyone else could. And so, I deleted them.

Sometimes, I feel like people don't take me seriously because of the way I've changed over the past year. Karma is a big part of my life, and I'm a serious believer of it, I refuse to belong to any sort of religion, but Buddhism would be my first choice, I work to be happy, not successful, and I am just more defensive of people, because you have to understand that behind their actions, there's a story. There's a reason for them driving too slow on the road, or not holding the door open for you. A lot of people fail to understand that just like them, everyone else has lives too, and you have to take it into consideration. I think most people just get so caught up in themselves and their troubles that they forget others are going through the same things.

Home.

Having two very eager cats attack you with love is the best way to come home. Angel and Blacky have been sleeping with me for three hours so far. I have a feeling they weren't very happy to be left alone with just my dad and Thomas. I'm glad I can at least provide some safety for them, though.

I'm super happy to be home. Tomorrow we're setting up my new bed, and I'll just feel a whole lot better with a new mattress to make my back hurt less.

As for now, I'm super light headed because we woke up at 1am Arizona time to get to the airport, and it is now 9:15 pm. I have a feeling I definitely need some sleep. Woah.

it's a shame.

Thanks to my mother's ability to play Farmville for 3 hours straight and not realize that the battery is draining and not charging, my laptop is once again ready to die, thanks to the new charger not working. So, even though I planned to do this blog later, I have no choice but to do it now.

Today we went to the Natural History Museum, which was TEN TIMES cooler than the American History one (because really? that's boring!) and I really enjoyed it. A lot. The most important part of my day though, was the walk home from the Metro. My favorite past time is calling 'squirrel' every time I see one, but today I saw a pretty gray cat. She came right over to me when I called her over, and she was super friendly. You could tell that she just wanted some love and attention. This guy on a walk stopped when he saw that I had been petting her for at least five minutes, and told us that there were three or four other cats around the neighborhood like her that just hung around, sometimes getting food from the people living there. They were at least two years old, so they had really managed to survive. He told us that he came from Belize, and that he would take them in, but he was afraid of cats because of a woman who was attacked by her cat that she had left in the house for a week without any food or water. He kept insisting we take her home, but being in DC and staying a house where your aunt is terribly allergic to cats, it wasn't a good idea. I really wished that I could. She was one of the sweetest outdoor cats I've ever met. She followed us until we had to cross the road, and I really wish we didn't have to.

So far, the DC trip gets a C+ on my scale. While I love my mother, I can't stand being with her for this long of a time without anyone else being around. It's just a pain. All the organic food is good, though.

had it coming.

My sister can really rock sometimes. She came in contact with one of my former friends, and she really stood up for me. Love. Karma eventually comes back around to teach you a lesson. That's what you get for running your mouth, and telling people to tell me what you said. Thanks, Karma.

My birthday definitely wasn't the greatest. It never is. I spent it alone, minus my family. I cried twice. I broke down in front of them at dinner. I was grumpy. I was angry and hurt. Sometimes, I feel like I have no friends. But, I think I just am always bound to have a crummy birthday, and the day after I felt ten times better. I've just grown to hate my birthdays. It's okay.

Lisa did get me Yankee Candles, though, which are supposed to be the best candles ever, and a fifty dollar gift card. I also got cards from relatives, which makes everything better. My mom also bought me a rose plant, which meant a lot to me, because I like flowers. And, my dad gave in and bought me a full mattress, which will be here when I get back from DC. While my birthday party had to be postponed, I'm sure I can make it up with my friends.

I'm super excited for DC right about now. The East Coast is my weakness. As is the perfect opportunity to wear shorts and tank tops and rompers and not be dying of dry heat.

That's where it's at.

You'd think my sister and I would be more upset over recent family news, but we're not. While I am, I think it's going to be for the better, if it happens.

I'm more concerned over the fact that I might be losing my best friend, all because she has to move to Germany. Luckily, my dad wants to move there, too, and maybe it'll happen. I'd be okay with that.

I kind of just want to start over completely.

Demon Cat.

Thomas is now known as the "demon cat". He's just very energetic and very mean to the other cats because he wants to play. He has also given me more scratches and cuts than I've ever had in a lifetime. I like him best when he's sleeping, but when he wakes up he literally tries to eat your face.

The worst part is: he sleeps during the day and wants to play at night. I love him, so very much, but I wish I wouldn't have to pull him off of Angel or Blacky or my teddy or my hair when I just want to go to sleep. Oh well. At least he's cute.

Kindle.

All is left is reviewing for finals. I'm so excited for summer. So, so excited.

Someone told me today that they're annoyed with how I'm always happy. I told them I'm not, and that I usually try to hide it, because I don't see the point in bringing other people down with me. It's also because I mostly AM happy, or content. There's no need to fret over every little thing in life. They said they were still annoyed, and that I shouldn't be fake. I think it's funny that people get annoyed when you're always happy or always depressed. It makes me feel like I should be emotionless 24/7.

I need to find some money today so I can buy popcorn tonight when Lisa and I go see Robin Hood. It's playing at the Uptown 3, which is the super old movie theater that only has 3 screens. They have the best popcorn, and even if the seat layout is a bit messed up and it's not the cleanest most modern place, I still love it. A huge majority of the people I know hate it and never see movies there. They say it's too dirty, but I don't think they realize that all movie theaters are dirty. But, that's okay with me. It means better seats and less noise, therefore, a more enjoyable movie experience. (I also saw the first Pirates of the Caribbean move, Prince Caspian, and tons of other movies there. It has sentimental value!).

I love you.

Welcome to the blog, Thomas.

School is practically over. Monday is the last full day, and then we have three half days of finals. I am happy to say I am ecstatic. Of course, the end of the school year calls for reflections on the past months. While I don't believe this year was as dramatic as the last, particularly the last two weeks of school, I believe I made some very important and necessary changes.

I don't think anyone understands how hard it is to break off a friendship with people you've known since Kindergarten, only to find out some really tough stuff afterwards, about how they never considered you a friend since a few years ago anyways. It just proves that I made a good choice, but I'm always up for keeping a friendship. My current friends just became more relevant and important in my life, which is exactly why I had to do what I did. Of course I feel guilty about the way I went around it, but it was obviously for the best. It still is weird sometimes, to realize that most of my friends now are people I've only known for a year or two. It's not something I'm used to.

I've learned this year that I had a terrible taste in clothing and hair styles last year, and I am very impressed with how much I improved. My confidence went uphill, and I love it. It's nice to feel comfortable with who I am, even if sometimes I still don't. I blame the hair, because I don't want to blame myself, even though I should. Red hair is a burden and a blessing, and there's nothing I can do about it. I still think about dying it a fake red sometimes, but then I realized how many people will be upset with me for it. I'll just have to wait and see. All I know right now is that I am in desperate need of a haircut. Of course, I'm not going shorter! I'm just trying to get my bangs all nice again.

This hasn't really been much of a reflection. I think that's because the year went by so fast, and nothing really happened, except for me growing as a person. I'm a lot nicer, and I defend a lot of people about a lot of things. I don't like insulting and trash talking people because they got upset that I was in front of their locker. It's understandable, and I would be frustrated if it happened on a daily basis too. I think people get annoyed with how much I defend people, but it's just because I'm usually rational enough to understand why they're being the way they are. It's time to play the blame game again: Buddha and the Dalai Lama. They've taught me a lot, even if I've only read 120 pages so far out of the book I got at Christmas.

I also got to make a trip to Hastings today with my mother, since Barnes and Nobles closed in the mall, and we only have one major book store left. A town with 70,000+ people should have more than one book store. Honestly. Anyways, I was able to purchase the complete Chronicles of Narnia series merged into a single book, and The Tell-Tale Heart (and other stories) today. I was in the "Classics" section for at least twenty minutes, and couldn't chose anything! I also failed my mission of looking for some more books about Buddha/Buddhism, but that's honestly because I was too antsy to wander into the "Religious" section. Maybe next time.

PS, kittens are exhausting, and I take weird pictures with them.

They don't really care about us.

Today was a half day, and Relay for Life was later on at night. I picked up some Starbucks for Kyle on the way there, and we watched the other Anna (Ana) and Tess try to get some serious answers out of Brian for TV productions. Apparently, he cannot answer questions about cancer seriously. It was still pretty rad. We bought T-shirts and yarn bracelets (my light purple one represents general cancer), and Leandra and I bought Mother's Day gifts. There were bracelets for $10 that were sterling silver and fake pink pearls and the breast cancer ribbon as a charm, and we each bought one. However, I managed to lose mine, and either Serena or Leandra has it. I'm really hoping I can get it back, otherwise it was left on the field, which isn't cool at all. It's $10 to cancer research, but a lost Mother's Day gift that I know my mom would love. After when we were about to leave, Kyle accidentally locked his keys in his truck. It was not exciting to have to call his mom to bring the spare key, and deal with her anger and all of that jazz. Hopefully, she'll take into consideration that it happens to everyone and anyone, and no one ever wants to do those things on purpose (unless they have some reason for wanting to do that). If he doesn't get in any or too much trouble, we should be going into town tomorrow to look for Mother's Day stuff still, and maybe pick up my bracelet from whoever has it, if anyone does.

In kitten news, it's very possible we'll be adopting Thomas, a super cute ginger kitten. I could really use another ginger around here. My dad and sister applied for him right away (before I even knew!), so I'm hoping we find out soon if we get to adopt him. If so, we just have to wait until Tuesday to see if he's old enough to go home with us, and on the weekend we should be picking him up (since the foster home is in Tucson). I'm really hoping that things work out this time. I've learned not to get my hopes so high, so I'm not doing what I did with "Evie". I'm just going to cross my fingers and make a wish at 11:11, that's all. Nothing more. And if we get him, well, I'm getting him a bow tie and claiming him as mine and Angel's sidekick. I'm also going to train him to sleep on my shoulders. That'd be awesome. He's super cute, as the photo proves.

Having hope.

My biggest issue in life is that I always get my hopes up. I expect things to happen and I get ahead of myself. I start imagining things with this new thing, this new whatever that I'm hoping is going to happen, and then it just... doesn't. Things fall through, something happens that makes everything go wrong. Today, my dad decided we were going to adopt one of our friend's kittens, who was absolutely adorable, and we were going to name her Evie, or something exotic like Zha Zha. We called them up and told them that we'd love to take her, that she would fit right in (though the other cats would definitely disagree). We were told that this other lady was considering taking both her, and her other sister, and wanted to see them first before taking them. We were hoping that maybe Evie or Zha Zha would read our minds and hate the lady so that we could have her instead. We just got a call a little while ago saying the lady took both of them. This is what I get for getting my hopes up. This happens to me a majority of the time, but I rarely ever learn from it. I know it's ridiculous to get so upset over one tiny little kitten, but when you let your hopes get out of hand like I do, it's hard not to get this upset. I suppose it'll be better for Blacky - he's old, getting sick, and has been acting super strange. Maybe this was just fate's way of letting us know it just wasn't time. We'll get a kitten when the time is right. I just kind of wish we could have Evie/Zha Zha, the cute little kitten who likes to be held and had a white goatee.

Now that I've looked at the local shelters online and saw only young/average/senior cats, I want to adopt all of those ones who don't have a home yet. I just want all the animals in the world so they can be happy. Sometimes, I feel like I'm just too nice for my own good. I'm afraid that when I live on my own, I'm just going to have 500 cats and dogs and fish and whatever else. I'd say I'll mean myself up, but I won't do that, and I know it. I'll learn to live with this kindness.

Winging It.

Winging it consists of planning a trip the night before on Facebook, never talking to the person until that day in math, driving 3 and a half hours to Scottsdale, not making bathroom stops so there's no chance of being late, waiting in line for 20 minutes, buying matching shirts, standing in the back of the room, sitting on some comfy couches, leaving and waiting out back in the alley, avoiding a drunk man, talking to a guy smoking a cigarette, being to nervous to go up to anyone and ask for anything, planning a sleepover, trying to start to say 'hi' but stopping because they look busy, waiting, getting pictures with Jon, as well as autographs, reluctantly leaving, driving around the block in circles, going back into the alleyway and jumping out of the car to get a picture with Ryan, even though he was busy and wanted to go back inside, waiting for 5 minutes because Mary was busy trying to find a parking spot and did NOT get to meet Ryan, avoiding all of the creepy guido-looking Scottsdale men hanging around, hopping into the car, finally making a bathroom stop after 7 hours and filling up the car, driving home, going to 3 gas stations at 3 in the morning to find that they are not open, driving home with hardly any gas left, sneaking in quietly so dad won't wake up, getting ready for bed, sleep.

That was my Friday/early Saturday in a whirlwind. It was one of the best nights ever, and I met one of the best people ever. We all ready plan to see TYV again in summer with Rooney, and again when they tour in the fall. We're concert buddies for life. We rock at winging stuff. I never expected to wait for 3 hours outside just to cross meeting Ryan Ross and Jon Walker off of my life goals. Brendon Urie and Spencer Smith are totally next. I would like to live last night on repeat forever and ever. It was an adventure, and a damn good one.

Open Happiness

Won some concert tickets today. Discussed the possibility of having to put Blacky down. Got told by my parents that they wouldn't take me to the concert. Got offered a ride to the concert by a really cool girl who also wears a Keltie Colleen mantra cuff. It's been a day full of up's and down's and I'm still not able to end it because I have to finish a research paper. Days like this make it hard to be optimistic, but I can still manage it.

Karma.

Kyle and I won second place in NHD. We're going to Washington, D.C. in June. I dropped my phone in the toilet. I dropped my laptop on the ground. Neither works right now. I don't understand my karma. I never do anything mean (as far as I know), and I just don't see why this always happens. I'm incredibly frustrated, because no one's realizing that yes, my laptop is pretty much going to die soon, and it kind of is a big deal, seeing as I use it for everything, especially talking to my friends, since you know... I live in the middle of nowhere. I'm basically prepared to just waste my college money on a new one when this one does die. I didn't want to, but it'll probably be necessary. I hate how my fantastic and surprising day (we didn't expect to even make it into round 2, and we ended up qualifying for nationals) somehow turns sour. This always happens. No one understands how frustrating it is. I accomplish something I'm proud of, and it just gets completely buried with double the amount of negative things. I try so hard to remain positive, so I'm pretty sure a few moments of negativity aren't going to hurt. I know it's just a laptop and a phone, all material possessions that don't effect my real happiness. They'll effect my short term happiness, but overall, in a few years it won't matter. It's just frustrating that I'm never allowed to have a full day of being able to be proud of myself.

I'm talented at being normal, and I hate it. I'm talented at doing nothing, and I hate it. When I finally find something I can be talented at, I don't even get to enjoy it. Sometimes, I wonder why I never get to, and then I remember, I'm just not supposed to be talented at anything. No matter how hard I try not to live a normal life and make things interesting and fun, and try to find a talent, it's always just pushed away. It. Sucks.

I just need sleep.

Hate.

I was reading alexevans.net to get some ideas for cameras to look into saving up for/buying, and I found this, which he found from someone else. I thought it had a lot of meaning to it.

You can hate a person just by looking at her/him: the hair, the smile, the look, the clothes. Anything can trigger negative feelings. You just have to go with that flow and any proof that person is not horrible will have no influence on you.

I don’t know if we could say a good thing about every person we’ve met so far, maybe they haven’t impressed us in a positive way, but we can most certainly bitch about all of them. There must have been something to annoy us at one point. It’s only human! For every nice gesture and person who smiled thanks to you, there is an unhappy person, someone who feels neglected or discriminated against.

It’s human to be annoyed, but above that, I think it’s human to be hatable (being available for hate).

We are hatable with every gesture, every choice we make and tear we drop. Because all these are movements on a map filled with people and, inevitably, when we go one way we get closer to some and estrange from others. We are, in essence, controversial.

Some are more controversial than others, true. It depends on how far we move from the center of the map or, in other words, how extremist we are. And how much we show of our personality we show to others. But still, we are always lovable to some and hatable to others.

That’s the breakthrough. We’re both good and evil, pleasant and repulsive, smart and stupid. It only depends on where we’re standing when we’re judging. There is no black and white. And that’s why the big picture is important: we need to see the balance between the smiles and the tears someone provokes. And the reasons. The intentions. The more information we have, the better we see the tone of gray.

Anyway, we are hatable. That’s our most human trait. Every person stands for the things another one hates. That’s life.

And that's my blog entry for today.

Guilt.

I feel guilty when I shouldn't have to. Maybe there is a small reason for me to feel guilty, but I shouldn't even feel as guilty as I do. It's just who I am. I'm too shy and timid to stand up for myself, and when I try, I fail miserably. I just try to avoid problems, and it just makes more. But, I don't really see how I can change that, so I guess I can deal with the guilt until things level out a bit. I'm still happy though, probably happiest I've been all year. Well, except for my grades. Thaaaat's a different story. Haha.

Kirsten has prom this weekend. I want her to spend the night! And I need to buy a dress for her sweet sixteen. I want one, just because I don't really like spending my birthday alone, or without anyone even calling. I think it'll be different this year. I've got a handful of friends I wouldn't trade for the world.

My teddy is my favorite pillow. I can't sleep without him as my pillow anymore! He just makes me feel better.

Cupcakes.

I'm a huge fan of cupcakes, I'm going to admit, but I prefer to eat them, not find more than a dozen of them thrown up and down our driveway and at our cars. Especially when they're frosted. I find it baffling and hilarious that someone took the time to either buy or make cupcakes, drive to our house (which is in the middle of nowhere), turn off their car/lights so my dad wouldn't notice, and chuck the cupcakes at our house. I just don't understand it. We're all baffled, and none of us really know why someone would want to cupcake our house. I would understand throwing eggs, but... cupcakes? I think what's worse is I have small concerns that it might even have been done by "friends" of mine, who know just how anal my dad is about these things. Whoever did it, I think they should've thought more about the poor cupcakes they had thrown. I bet they were good.

Aside from that, I was out both Saturday and Sunday night with my friends, and although I don't want to be out every night, it's something I look forward to doing more often. I'm sad I missed out on at least one day of my weekend to sit around and do nothing, but that's what spring break will be for. One whole week of laziness. I think I deserve it, especially after the stress of finding out I was failing two classes and that I had to make up way too many tests, and way too many quizes. At least I'm feeling better now, and I got over my two or three days of being way too incredibly unhappy. I just needed to remember to breathe, that's all.

I'm happy that it's raining right now, and I hope that after I take my shower, it'll be raining when I go to sleep. It's one of my favorite sounds to fall asleep to.

Weakness.

When you pick up your phone and scroll through your contacts and can't find a single person you can call and cry to and tell all your problems to, that's when you realize that things really suck. I've never had a friend that I could call crying and tell them everything that's wrong with me. All of my other girl friends tell me that they called so-and-so when they needed help, but I don't have someone to call. Keeping in all of my problems and never bothering anybody with the most important ones ("I'm tired" is one I'll happily give out whenever I have a problem with not getting enough sleep) really can't be healthy. There ARE probably people I could call, but I'm afraid to call them, and I wouldn't even know what to say. I only know I'll never feel comfortable confiding in my mother and sister, seeing as they never are much of a help when I need them. I finally started telling them things, and all my mom can do is shrug and say nothing else, and Lisa. Well, Lisa just never ends up making me feel better about myself as a person, and I always feel like the villain, even though I know I'm the victim.

Real life (school AND friends) is kicking my butt right now, and I don't want to deal with it, but I know I have to. I need to concentrate on NOT failing this quarter of math, because there's no reason for me to be failing other than laziness. I'm just being lazy, that's all.

I also really need to learn to stand up to the people who don't deserve to be in my life, who aren't making it too easy for me. I'm just afraid of making people angry, and I have a problem with putting others before myself. If they're happy, than I'm happy. I hate being attacked by them, making them angry, being pressured by them. But I'm too weak and self-conscious to do anything about it, so I let it happen. I'm hoping next year will be a bit different, and that maybe I'll have the strength to stand up to them. It just gets old, being pushed around and taken for granted by so many people. I know I'm not a strong person, and I've never tried to tell anyone I was. I only know that I need to learn to put myself first in certain situations, and to concentrate on not keeping all of my problems to myself.

I'm not a strong person, but I want to be.

i've never been so overwhelmed.

Coming to Germany has been a brand new experience for me. I thought I was pretty good at German, but once we arrived at my grandparent's house and my ENTIRE family was waiting there for breakfast, I realized I knew barely anything. I don't really understand much, and when I do, I only catch a few words and phrases and I try to piece them together to make sense of it. When I understand a question someone asks me, I try not to use that many words. It's very overwhelming, and when they're making fun of me for not understanding (I can understand when people tease me better than I can understand meaningful stories, for whatever reason), it can get a little tough, but I'm determined to make it through these two weeks and come out of it having learned something.

This little village is my dream town. All the family is in the village, or the village next to it, and even in this cold weather, people opt to walk or ride their bikes. Even though there's always cars driving, even in the middle of the night, they still don't use their cars to go everywhere. I wish I had the choice to walk or take the bus or ride my bike everywhere, especially if it was just to go down the road, take a right, and head right into the bakery. I'm very jealous of how my cousins get to live their lives.

My grandmother is super endearing. She's only learned a few English words and phrases ("fine" and "I love you"), but she always uses them at the right moments. She had red hair like mine when I was her age, and she understands the "chic" fashion that all the "hip" people wear. When I bought a leather jacket from H&M, she wouldn't stop talking about how "cool" it was. I don't want to leave her, or her fantastic cooking.

And of course, I love my grandfather to bits and pieces. He speaks the dialect, so I hardly understand him at all, so I just smile and nod and try to understand. When I saw him at the airport and hugged him, I cried. It was embarssing, but I couldn't help myself. I missed him a lot, as if that wasn't obvious enough. I wish I could speak better German so we can actually hold a conversation.

Overall, I'm not excited to leave. I'm super content here, and I like not having to worry about everyone back home. All I need is my cats here, and I'll be good to go.

Six.

In six more days, I leave for Germany. I get away from my friends, away from school, and away from everything for two whole weeks. Needless to say, I'm pretty ecstatic. I'm in need of a vacation away from everything. I don't want to hear about the drama I missed, or anything like that. I just want to forget about my life here in Arizona and focus on the life I've been missing in Germany. It'll be nice. I'm looking forward to testing out how crappy my German is, and seeing my Oma cry when we arrive and eating homemade food and not even having Internet access in the house. It'll be the best vacation ever.

As for everything that's happened up until now, it's all been pretty boring and pretty mild. It's nothing extremely enjoyable, but it's there, and I have no complaints about it. Is it sad that I can't wait until I have a job so I at least have something to do? That I can't wait to have to pay for gas for my car that I can't wait to drive? It probably is, but I really just want something to do.

Infinite

This year's all about being infinite.

I leave for Germany in 18 days. I have a feeling it's going to be an awesome trip. Anyways, here's to my first blog post of the new year. I haven't had much to say, really, except that I'm making it through each day without having to struggle at all. I expected the first month of the new year to be a bit of a struggle, but I've been proven wrong.

My only New Year's Resolution? Don't give up.