Weakness.

When you pick up your phone and scroll through your contacts and can't find a single person you can call and cry to and tell all your problems to, that's when you realize that things really suck. I've never had a friend that I could call crying and tell them everything that's wrong with me. All of my other girl friends tell me that they called so-and-so when they needed help, but I don't have someone to call. Keeping in all of my problems and never bothering anybody with the most important ones ("I'm tired" is one I'll happily give out whenever I have a problem with not getting enough sleep) really can't be healthy. There ARE probably people I could call, but I'm afraid to call them, and I wouldn't even know what to say. I only know I'll never feel comfortable confiding in my mother and sister, seeing as they never are much of a help when I need them. I finally started telling them things, and all my mom can do is shrug and say nothing else, and Lisa. Well, Lisa just never ends up making me feel better about myself as a person, and I always feel like the villain, even though I know I'm the victim.

Real life (school AND friends) is kicking my butt right now, and I don't want to deal with it, but I know I have to. I need to concentrate on NOT failing this quarter of math, because there's no reason for me to be failing other than laziness. I'm just being lazy, that's all.

I also really need to learn to stand up to the people who don't deserve to be in my life, who aren't making it too easy for me. I'm just afraid of making people angry, and I have a problem with putting others before myself. If they're happy, than I'm happy. I hate being attacked by them, making them angry, being pressured by them. But I'm too weak and self-conscious to do anything about it, so I let it happen. I'm hoping next year will be a bit different, and that maybe I'll have the strength to stand up to them. It just gets old, being pushed around and taken for granted by so many people. I know I'm not a strong person, and I've never tried to tell anyone I was. I only know that I need to learn to put myself first in certain situations, and to concentrate on not keeping all of my problems to myself.

I'm not a strong person, but I want to be.