it's beginning to look a lot like christmas

The impossible happened yesterday! We got snow! In Southern Arizona! I was so happy, and when my dad woke me upat 5:30, I couldn't go back to sleep, so I waited until it was light enough to go outside before I tackled the snow all by myself! I made an Arizona snowman, which means it was a foot high, at least, and it's arms were oversized mesquite tree branches. I had a lot of fun with it.

Of course, I came in after an hour or so and went straight to making hot chocolate and watching Elf. It was all well and good, but when the snow started to melt around 11, my brain seemed to melt along with it. I tried watching Star Wars while beating off a pounding headache, but, no success. Eventually when everyone got home, it seemed Dad and Lisa both had headaches as well, but mine took a turn for the worst first. I ended up falling asleep around 4:30, and they were all kind enough to let me sleep. I woke up at 1, was way out of it, read Harry Potter (#4!) for about an hour before I forced myself to sleep again. I woke up at 8, and found Lisa was home, even though she was supposed to work today. Surprise, surprise! She's sick as a dog.

It seems that on holidays, someone's always sick around here. It's just the luck of the Winslows, I suppose. Well, that's just how it goes. I'm excited to open up our presents tonight. As soon as the inside lights turn on, the wrapping's coming off!

I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas Eve, and Christmas! Or, the usual: happy holidays!

PS, if anybody has snow they don't want, I'll take more of it! We haven't had a white Christmas since I was 4 or 5.

Shooting stars.

It's almost Christmas. I haven't really had much to say, and I'm not too sure why. I finished up my Christmas shopping today, bought a new cardigan, and a wallet to go with my finally achieved driver's permit! I'm one step closer to having my own car (if Lisa ever moves out and let's my have it - Lisa, I know you found my blog, so please move to England so I can be happy and have the car!). The break's only a few days in, and I'm bored sitting around doing nothing. I think I'm just so antsy for it to be Christmas all ready. Tomorrow, I definitely have plans to clean my room, again, and hopefully it'll stay that way for the rest of the break. I hope.

So. No news. Nothing exciting going on in my life. It's just me, myself, and I, trying to get through the last few days until the new year. 2009 was great, but how will 2010 be? I have a feeling it won't be as successful as this year, but I won't know until it happens, now will I? I'll just take it day by day, and hopefully make some rad New Year's Resolutions and goals, because every year I make ones that I always forget and never keep. I'll have to make a list of some sort.
Oh, and I cannot wait for Christmas. Today I got a book that's a guide to happiness, but since my madre bought it, I have to wait. At least it's only until Christmas Eve, and not Christmas morning, thanks to our German half of the tradition! Next year it'll be normal again. I'm so ready for Christmas!

I'm tired, and it's only 10:30. I think I'll go to bed.

22 Days Til Christmas

I'm not quiter ready to let go of this past year. I've had so many ups and downs, but mostly ups, and that's good with me.

I don't know what 2010 will bring to me, and I can only help it'll be as good as a year as this one was.

All I want for Christmas is Dorian Gray on DVD and now!

I keep procrastinating my shower, so I should do that now, and get some sleep.

World Behind My Wall

I've been feeling so emotionally and physically drained lately and I don't entirely understand why. I just want to go to sleep as early as possible and in the morning I'm still ridiculously sleepy. It's exhausting being exhausted. With finals coming up, and registration for next year needing to get done, I think I'm feeling the pressure of school finally. I'm aiming to take at least 4 AP/college courses next year, and I'm pretty anxious about all the extra work plus having a job. I can't believe I'll be working and driving next year. It's just so hard to wrap my mind around.

For fifteen years all that's been on my mind has been school, home, sleep, and then back to school. Now I have to fit work in there somehow, and I'm not sure how I'll be able to manage it with all the extra classwork that I'm bound to have. It'll just take a whole lot of hard work, and I hope I can accomplish all of that.

And, being drained and all, I can hardly think straight a lot of the times, and all I know is that right now, I just want sleep. There are times where all you want to do is sleep for days, and there's just never a reason. I think that's when your body has been taking so much of everything that after a while, it just needs time to shut down and reboot. It's like a computer, but... different. I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore!

PS, my mother knows me best. I asked her if we had any Christmas smelling candles, and she siad no. The next day she came home with 2 holiday candles just for me and a box of hot chocolate mix packets. I love her so much.

I'm falling to pieces.

IN A TOTALLY WICKED WAY.

I realized that I never blog when I'm extremely happy and post details about my happy times. I only blog when I have a ton of things resting on my shoulders that just need to be thrown SOMEWHERE, which just happens to be this blog. Now that I've been happier than usual and having even MORE fun, I just haven't felt the need to blog. I write little blogs in my head about my life, all the good pieces, but I just never get around to posting them up here. I should probably try that.

But, I am alive and well and happy and content. It's nice to feel this way. And when I received my report card, I had grades I was proud of. Nothing below a B! And 4 A's. 4/6 is very good. I'm not too sure about Chemistry this semester, but I need one challenging class, and this is going to be it. Though I'm sure putting film on a reel in the dark is going to be just as challenging. Oh man.

Angel does not like webcam photo sessions. My hand and I found that out the hard way. Oh well.

And it might be magical,

It's amazing how much better some new clothes can make you feel. Shopping really is a cure for women. Haha. I am totally ready to start a new quarter, and NOT mess up in math again. I had an A the whole quarter, and in the last week I dropped down to a B. I am so angry with myself over it, but I'm not going to worry too much about it. I just have to not get so distracted so easily, that's all.

I realized that there are going to be people in the world you can't stand. They are just the most self-centered people EVER and they only ever want to talk about themselves and complain about themselves and other people and hate the people that aren't like them. Those are the people who can't open their minds and accept that everybody is different. I can't stand those people, but I accept how they think and how they act. You can't avoid them, and you just have to deal with them. As frustrating as they may be, you have to just get over it and deal. I hate having to do this with so many people, but I do, and it's fine. I can't stand them, but they interest me. They're just another kind of people that I get to study and learn about and learn how to live with. It interests me, no matter how much it angers me.

I guess my "calling" as some would describe it is what forces me to deal with these people. I want to do psychology, so why not be familiar with all sorts of characters? That's what high school pretty much is - one huge social experiment/psychology project. I'm not going to complain. As frustrating and stressful as it may be, I'm learning and advancing and overcoming things I never thought I could. I'm so different from the girl that got off the bus at 6:45 in August 2008. I've never been this confident and comfortable with myself before, and each day is getting better. I'm happier, and I'm refusing to let petty girls bother me. I don't need to be stressed out over these little things.

I'm changing and aging and I'm happily accepting it. I'm leaving that angsty, brooding, unconfident girl behind me and moving forward. Sure, I have my awkward moments, but I'm getting over them and it's all going to work out for me.

Operation Beautiful

I know what it's like not to feel beautiful, but knowing that there are sites like Operationbeautiful.com out there just make me feel so good about myself again. I have gotten so defensive when my friends have said some girl is ugly, because chances are she's more beautiful than them just based on her personality alone.

Every girl is beautiful, and they just need to realize it and believe it when someone tells them that. It hurts so much to know that there are girls out there who have looked at themselves in the mirror and cried because they don't feel pretty enough. I've been there, I know what it feels like. But I've had good family and friends to help me believe otherwise and stop criticizing myself when I look in the mirror, and just start complimenting myself. It makes me feel ten times better about myself. That's why instead of insulting people throughout the day, compliment them on a good quality they have, because everyone has at least one.

11:11

I think I'm going to give up on my 11:11 wish I make everyday in school. It's always the same: 'I wish that the rest of the day is a good day'. I'll just let you know, it normally turns out the exact opposite. How come wishes never come true?

Right now I have an insane amount of homework to do in just one night, and there's not enough time to do it. I never really cry because it makes me feel weak, but at the same time it makes me feel better, so I think maybe I'll let it out for once. Maybe that's why I'm so frustrated, because I always hold it in when I have to cry.

Either way, it's only Wednesday. I shouldn't be on the breaking point until at least Thursday.

i know you can't hear me anymore.

Just a song that makes it feel even colder outside.

I'm kicking my homework's butt, and now I have to kick the dishwasher's butt a little bit before I can finish off the homework.

I Won't Apologize

I am kind of in love with Selena Gomez' new album. You know, the one with her band? I sometimes find it hard to relate to songs from artists, because they're always about love and all that stuff, but this was way more relatable to me, especially 'I Won't Apologize'. Story of my life right there. I love it when I can relate to music like that, when a song just speaks out to you. It makes music so much more enjoyable.

Today in Key Club we got our UNICEF trick or treat boxes, where you collect the money when yoiu go trick or treating. I'm pretty excited, especially since I didn't get to go last year, and this year I get to do it AND raise money for kids that need it. I actually all ready got a few dollars from my parents, which I'm not complaining about. All of this Key Club stuff helped me realize that while I'm not talented in anything like dance or singing or music or drawing, I'm pretty talented when it comes to helping people, and that's perfectly fine with me. I think joining Key Club was one of the best decisions I've made, since I finally get community service hours, I finally got to be part of a club, and I'm actually making a bit of a difference. I won't be able to change anybody's lives emotionally through songs and dances, but I can certainly do it physically.

Its the last week before first quarter ends, and I'm feeling a little stressed. I'm behind on math, english, german, history, photo, and chemistry. So, all of my subjects. I have until Thursday, basically, to finish all of the work I missed last week and this weeks, and I'm hoping I can manage it. It just requires a bit of a push from myself. I really need to stop procrastinating, that's all.

Oh, and ever since I cleaned my room yesterday, I've felt a little bit more organized and at peace. A clean room really does make me happy, which I'm not going to complain about. It's also nice because the weather is cooling down a bit (in southern Arizona standards) and we have our windows open all day when we're home. So, in all, I have a fresh, clean room. No complaints from me about that at all.

Right now I'm kind of thinking about changing up the color of my hair. Not like dying it brown or blonde or anything - I'm definitely staying a redhead. I kind of want to dye it maybe a deeper red or add some color in it, like blonde-ish highlights, seeing as there's some blonde in my hair all ready. I just don't know what would look better. I'm at a total loss. I hope I can figure it out sooner or later. Maybe.

"I think I always disappoint people because they always expect someone very pretty, very done." - Keira Knightley

Now you're gone.

I have so much respect for anyone who can walk, let alone walk in heels. My feet ached the whole night. I need to learn how to work it in heels, I'm telling you.

Homecoming was fun, but pretty exhausting. I need to learn to dance. I am possibly the whitest girl ever - physically and mentally. It's kind of sad. I wish I could dance. Danielle is a dancer and you can definitely tell. I was so jealous.

Doing the high clean-up was so tiring as well. Kyle, Becky, and I filled up two and a half trash bags, and everyone else only filled up half of one. Can you tell who did some hard labor? My allergies also acted up, and I was sneezing nonstop most of the time. Record: 16 sneezes in a row. Then Becky started sneezing, and Kyle was the only one who didn't.

So yes, you can say my Saturday was very exhausting, especially since Friday night I went to the homecoming game. I don't know whether or not I should be happy homecoming week is over or not.

ps, if everyone says I'm so cute or pretty, how come there's no guy out there that thinks so? I guess I just have to work harder at it!

Each and every day.

I'm working on it. On life. I'm going to get to the place where I am truly, unbelievably happy one of these days. I'm happy, but I'm still stressed and want to better certain things. It's going to happen, and I'm going to make it happen. I'll give it time, because everything takes time.

Sometimes I just get so frustrated with everything and wonder why karma is throwing this at me. I'm getting into a happier state of mind though, a place where I haven't been in years, so maybe karma will be nice and reward me for once. I hope.

I think tonight is going to be an early night. This week is going to be busy.

I love.

I love everything right now. I got an amazing dress for homecoming. I made 2 new amazing friends. I'm happy. I've got a few hypocrites on my back, but it's okay. It really is. I'll sort them out, tell them that I'm allowed to be happy. It's all good. Tomorrow (today?) is my homework day/lazy day. I was supposed to go out and get drunk tonight. I didn't. I don't want to. That's just not me.

I need to put some clothes away and close my closet and hit the sack.

I really enjoyed spray-on glitter. I was covered with it on Friday night.

You make me happy.

Of course, I'm kind of a spazz so eating bread with Nutella on it in bed is probably the worst idea ever. I somehow managed to get Nutella all over my fingers without realizing it, and I covered half my laptop wiith it all. I'm just sort of that talented. I think I'll go into a talent show and present my talent of being a spazz. It'll be rad.

I don't really have much to blog about, because there's nothing to talk about. I'm simply happy. Everything's fine. There's bumps in the way sometimes, but there always are. That's just a part of life, and I'll gladly take on those bumps. Although, right now I should be taking on the bumps and waves in my hair. I'll regret typing this later, as always.

Friday/Saturdy will be spent with Kirsten and Hannah-Lauren and I'm excited. It's going to be a lot of fun, I can tell. It'll be nice to get out of the house for two days like that.

And the clean-up was majorly fun. Becky, Kyle, and I totally got the most trash. AND we found a football that a whole bunch of us even played a game of football with. We picked up trash AND recycled. That's pretty cool, I think. I also threw a stick at Kyle's head. It was worth it. Lots of fun. And so, doing something good resulted in good things happening for me. I love karma.

Once more....

Doesn't this movie look so good? I am so obsessed with the book right now. I've read it twice within a month and I carry the copy around with me everywhere. It's insane. I've been recommending it to everybody. I really hope the movie comes out in the US, because I am pretty much just dying to see it. Also, the fact that Ben Barnes plays Dorian is probably the best thing ever. After Samuel L. Jackson, he's definitely my favorite actor. Johnny Depp would most certainly be next. But, back onto the subject of Ben Barnes, I'm trying to get my sister to add "Easy Virtue" to her Netflix lineup so I can see it as soon as it's available. I think British movies never released in the US are so brilliant, like "Ballet Shoes", which has Emma Watson in it. That movie was just superb.

Also, I felt that I had nothing better to do than throw together a new banner for this nifty little blog. I'm kind of fond of it. But, now I'll stop posting blogs and continue watching Austin Powers on FX.

PS, thank you, rain god, for the rain. I know it came from Hurricane Jimena, but it's nice to get some rain at the end of the monsoon season.

Craziest week yet.

So. This week was sort of crazy. And when I say sort of, I mean really. It all started off with me waking up Sunday morning, going to the bathroom to start the day, and then spending the next hour and a half on the bathroom floor in pain. Needless to say, I wasn't happy, and I pretty much freaked my dad out. He was just about to take me to the hospital when I told him to give me just a half hour more to try and get better. So, I threw up a few times, made my way back to bed, and spent the next three hours there trying to fall asleep, even though my back hurt too bad and I kept throwing up, even though I hadn't eaten anything in about 14 hours or so. When I finally fell asleep, I only slept for a few hours, but when I woke up I felt a lot better. I still didn't eat that much of my dinner, but that was okay.

Monday, my stomach was still bothering me, but I still went to school although I probably should've stayed home and rested up a bit more. I guess I'm just too stubborn to stay home even when I should be at home. But, by the end of Monday, I felt normal, finally.

As for the rest of the week, everything blurs together, but I know it was long and way too exhausting and crazy. I still have one more day until it's officially the end of the week, and it's going to be just as crazy. Since I joined Key Club (aka a community service club at the school that does all kinds of rad things for the community and fundraisers), I get to head to the school at 9 in the morning on a Saturday for a campus clean up. I'm pretty excited for it, actually. It'll be nice to clean up some of the trash around there. Littering = not rad.

Kyle and I have been able to add a few more words to the list of "best words ever", meaning the things that always make us laugh and other people don't find funny. They are: plumbum (the other word for lead, or Pb!) and Cherry Potter. We pretty much use plumbum for everything now, and it's nice, because no matter what it's used as, we know what it means.

Also, only one more weekend until I go with Kirsten and a few other girls up to Tucson to get our homecoming dresses! I'm pretty darn excited for that, especially since homecoming was really fun last year. That Saturday is definitely going to be amazing, too. I can hardly wait.

Just passing through.

Today my family and I looked through old photos again that we found in my dad's closet from his room, and I found a lot of me and my grandpa, and it really made me miss him. I never really got too close to him, but he still shared a lot of stories with me, and we even had a few inside jokes. I loved him and his silly little fake toupee. I hate that he hid the fact that he had cancer from us for over a year, and that he just accepted it. But, I can't hate him for the choices he made. It was a lot easier on my grandma without her having to worry about that for over a year until his liver and kidney and lungs started failing and then he finally passed. I love that he had the strength not to fight the cancer, but to accept that he couldn't do anything else and told them not to put him on medicine. I really miss him, but I know he wouldn't have been happy being sick and stuck in a hospital. That wasn't him.

Now that I finally got that off my chest, all I have to say is that my day has been spent watching very interesting shows on TV. I watched: You Are What You Eat, Criss Angel: Mindfreak (those episodes were hilarious), Edward Scissorhands, Teen Titans, and then Scary But True. I'm still watching that, actually. I think they're having a marahon. It's funny seeing how the styles were back in 2001.

And, just a little fun fact I learned today, when my hair started to grow in when I was a baby, it would've been a mohawk if my parents had spiked it. For almost a year it was all just right in the middle of the top of my head, and close to none on the sides. I knew I was special!

#100!

My 100th blog! So, might as well, post up the picture I took flaunting my mantra cuff this morning! Of course, it's hard to see, but it's there all right. I love it. I'm actually writing this blog while I'm supposed to be doing the tons of homework I have, especially writing my history notes for tomorrow's test. Five large sections to cover in one night: not fun. But, that's why I procrastinate. I procrastinate way too much, actually. I need to concentrate more on getting better at "hard work". I'll get there eventually, I just need to put myself to it.

Tomorrow I'm submitting an application for my first job at a restauarant. I'm definitely excited to start working for my own money and having something to do afterschool. It'll cut my time away from home and talking to Edi and Eryn, but it's going to happen eventually, so why not start now?

I really wish I could just not do these notes. I need them, but I'm too tired for them. I had way too much junky food today too. Sonic and then Domino's pizza. Not cool. I also saw this one guy I had math with last year driving his car, but he was also smoking. He's only sixteen, so I thought that was kind of sad. He's a really awesome and funny guy, but seeing him start to smoke so young just wasn't what I thought he would do. Oh well - it's his choice, and I can't convince him otherwise.

So. 100th blog post. Not the best. I'll make 150 or 200 super special.

Salvation.

I stood up for myself, and people didn't like it. They felt I was dramatic and calling them names, but it was just me standing up for myself. I don't like being told what to do,who to date, or anything like that. I don't need a boyfriend, especialy in high school to keep me happy. I guess I'm really just not like a lot of high school girls my age. I don't care about making out and if I'm inexperienced with it, I don't care if there's a boy I'm "talking" to (you know, the stage before "dating"), and I don't care if my legs are white, because I guess pale is in, or something.

Kirsten is helping me along with all of this, telling me I can do it, and encouraging me to be my own person. We don't try to do what people want, we just do what makes us happy. What makes me happy is being happy, being myself, and being able to ask something of a few people who call me their friend or "best" friend. I just ask for me to have to say "Stop" once, and the pestering stops.

I hope Kirsten isn't sick tomorrow. She and Kyle seriously have the best things to say.

My two best friends have either divorced parents or parents in the process of getting a divorce. It's sad and it makes me feel extremely grateful that my parents decided not to get a divorce years back.

Still trying to get over my cold while coughing my lungs out.

I need to turn my webcam on to flaunt my Keltie Colleen mantra. One girl asked me where I got it today in Chemistry, so I wrote the link down for her. It made me happy. I feel like it makes my day just that one little bit better that makes your day awesome.

Kiss the Rain

I would like it to be August 2010 so I can go to Germany and sing happy birthday to my Opa and hug him and then go see his fish with him. I would also like to help Oma cook in the kitchen, go with Maxi and Fabi to the pool and throw each other in, go to the cafe and buy a beer (legally!) for Lisa while I get an ice cream, and have yummy yummy food for two whole weeks while conveniantly missing school.

I was able to sit outside for an hour and stand in the rain and read the book I borrowed from the library at the little table we have out front. It was amazing - just what I needed. School's easy, fun, enjoyable. I'm being a good friend to someone who is never a good friend to me, but I feel to bad to abandon them although it's happened to me plenty of times before. I'm just that sort of person that knows what it's like to be alone, and I don't like seeing other people in the same situation. It's cold outside but boiling in my room. I should probably just change out of my jeans.

I am pumped for the weekend; first, I get to sleep in, and second, Edi comes back from camping. Yes! I also might be going to Kyle's and going swimming. I really hope he doesn't move to Utah now that we've fallen right back into being friends again. It's really awesome. He's a good friend, and a good influence (although "The Picture of Dorian Gray" is telling me there is no such thing as a good influence, and I totally believe it.)

I love my English class. We get to read for 15 minutes everyday, and it's exactly the sort of thing I need. Algebra 2 is the class I never use my voice in, Photo is the class Kirsten and Nicoli and I shake our heads at having to play 'penny pushers', Chemistry is the class where I admire the two girl's with great fashion sense (I really would like some ankle boots now), History is the class where I share a blueberry muffin with Demitry, Jon, and Angelique, and German is the class I pass notes to Kirsten and sleep and call Anthony a cartoon character. Those are all out of order, of course, but whatever.

I'm incredibly tired all ready, and its 8. I think I'll shower, read, and sleep. Hopefully within the next half hour. 4:30 is an exhausting time to wake up.

Surprise.

School actually isn't all that bad. Surprising. I like my classes, I like my teachers, and I know people in all of my classes except one. I still have some kinks to work out with some people, but hopefully it'll all be solved in no time.

My parents bought me a new bracelet to replace my brown one when it breaks. It's funny how they knew my other one broke when I didn't even tell them. They know the weirdest things sometimes. Not that I'm complaining. Now I'll have three bracelets on my right wrist instead of one when the Keltie mantra cuff gets delivered. I can't wait for "The Picture of Dorian Gray" to arrive either. I only just ordered it today, so it'll be a few days until I can start reading it. Still excited, nonetheless.

I really, really enjoy the weekend. It's nice to sleep in again.

I miss you.

Thank God for Kirsten Winters. This girl is going to be my savior. This was the first time we ever had a sleepover together or really hung out outside of school. And it was the best time ever. Crazy hair, crazy makeup, late night trips to McDonalds (one m&m mcflurry... no, make that two!... no three! and a large fry! no, not a sprite! thank you, mr. kirsten's stepdad), sad times about a video that didn't get saved, dance parties, becoming twins, passing out to Bruce Almighty, getting my milk stolen by a cute boy, and much much more. Talk about fun times. That girl is seriously one of the most amazing people to have walked into my life. She's so strong and so supportive. She'll let me rant about my life and then talk me through it and how to get past the faults and the bad people in my life, and she'll accept that I give horrible advice in return. I can only get out so many inspirational quotes before I realize that none of them are my own words.

I all ready miss her, but I get to see her FIRST thing in the morning on Thursday in Photo. And then hopefully during lunch, and then of course, we'll sit next to each other and sleep in German II. But yes, Kirsten is very close to my twin. We both had our Teen Vogue's out to show each other the '5 Quick makeup tips', had our Conair brushes, the same type of 2 year old makeup from Claire's (same pink starry case and everything), had I love NY shirts, plan on going to NYU, and much much more. Stupid Blogger deleted the rest of what I had, but there was much more twin-ness.

I missed Angel even for that short time. I think it was just because Kirsten's cat kept cuddling me. Now Angel and I have reunited, and this little shark got inspired by Shark Week and bit me whenever I moved. I still love her.

I'm ready for you, school. (I get out May 27th, yay!)