Winging It.

Winging it consists of planning a trip the night before on Facebook, never talking to the person until that day in math, driving 3 and a half hours to Scottsdale, not making bathroom stops so there's no chance of being late, waiting in line for 20 minutes, buying matching shirts, standing in the back of the room, sitting on some comfy couches, leaving and waiting out back in the alley, avoiding a drunk man, talking to a guy smoking a cigarette, being to nervous to go up to anyone and ask for anything, planning a sleepover, trying to start to say 'hi' but stopping because they look busy, waiting, getting pictures with Jon, as well as autographs, reluctantly leaving, driving around the block in circles, going back into the alleyway and jumping out of the car to get a picture with Ryan, even though he was busy and wanted to go back inside, waiting for 5 minutes because Mary was busy trying to find a parking spot and did NOT get to meet Ryan, avoiding all of the creepy guido-looking Scottsdale men hanging around, hopping into the car, finally making a bathroom stop after 7 hours and filling up the car, driving home, going to 3 gas stations at 3 in the morning to find that they are not open, driving home with hardly any gas left, sneaking in quietly so dad won't wake up, getting ready for bed, sleep.

That was my Friday/early Saturday in a whirlwind. It was one of the best nights ever, and I met one of the best people ever. We all ready plan to see TYV again in summer with Rooney, and again when they tour in the fall. We're concert buddies for life. We rock at winging stuff. I never expected to wait for 3 hours outside just to cross meeting Ryan Ross and Jon Walker off of my life goals. Brendon Urie and Spencer Smith are totally next. I would like to live last night on repeat forever and ever. It was an adventure, and a damn good one.

Open Happiness

Won some concert tickets today. Discussed the possibility of having to put Blacky down. Got told by my parents that they wouldn't take me to the concert. Got offered a ride to the concert by a really cool girl who also wears a Keltie Colleen mantra cuff. It's been a day full of up's and down's and I'm still not able to end it because I have to finish a research paper. Days like this make it hard to be optimistic, but I can still manage it.

Karma.

Kyle and I won second place in NHD. We're going to Washington, D.C. in June. I dropped my phone in the toilet. I dropped my laptop on the ground. Neither works right now. I don't understand my karma. I never do anything mean (as far as I know), and I just don't see why this always happens. I'm incredibly frustrated, because no one's realizing that yes, my laptop is pretty much going to die soon, and it kind of is a big deal, seeing as I use it for everything, especially talking to my friends, since you know... I live in the middle of nowhere. I'm basically prepared to just waste my college money on a new one when this one does die. I didn't want to, but it'll probably be necessary. I hate how my fantastic and surprising day (we didn't expect to even make it into round 2, and we ended up qualifying for nationals) somehow turns sour. This always happens. No one understands how frustrating it is. I accomplish something I'm proud of, and it just gets completely buried with double the amount of negative things. I try so hard to remain positive, so I'm pretty sure a few moments of negativity aren't going to hurt. I know it's just a laptop and a phone, all material possessions that don't effect my real happiness. They'll effect my short term happiness, but overall, in a few years it won't matter. It's just frustrating that I'm never allowed to have a full day of being able to be proud of myself.

I'm talented at being normal, and I hate it. I'm talented at doing nothing, and I hate it. When I finally find something I can be talented at, I don't even get to enjoy it. Sometimes, I wonder why I never get to, and then I remember, I'm just not supposed to be talented at anything. No matter how hard I try not to live a normal life and make things interesting and fun, and try to find a talent, it's always just pushed away. It. Sucks.

I just need sleep.

Hate.

I was reading alexevans.net to get some ideas for cameras to look into saving up for/buying, and I found this, which he found from someone else. I thought it had a lot of meaning to it.

You can hate a person just by looking at her/him: the hair, the smile, the look, the clothes. Anything can trigger negative feelings. You just have to go with that flow and any proof that person is not horrible will have no influence on you.

I don’t know if we could say a good thing about every person we’ve met so far, maybe they haven’t impressed us in a positive way, but we can most certainly bitch about all of them. There must have been something to annoy us at one point. It’s only human! For every nice gesture and person who smiled thanks to you, there is an unhappy person, someone who feels neglected or discriminated against.

It’s human to be annoyed, but above that, I think it’s human to be hatable (being available for hate).

We are hatable with every gesture, every choice we make and tear we drop. Because all these are movements on a map filled with people and, inevitably, when we go one way we get closer to some and estrange from others. We are, in essence, controversial.

Some are more controversial than others, true. It depends on how far we move from the center of the map or, in other words, how extremist we are. And how much we show of our personality we show to others. But still, we are always lovable to some and hatable to others.

That’s the breakthrough. We’re both good and evil, pleasant and repulsive, smart and stupid. It only depends on where we’re standing when we’re judging. There is no black and white. And that’s why the big picture is important: we need to see the balance between the smiles and the tears someone provokes. And the reasons. The intentions. The more information we have, the better we see the tone of gray.

Anyway, we are hatable. That’s our most human trait. Every person stands for the things another one hates. That’s life.

And that's my blog entry for today.

Guilt.

I feel guilty when I shouldn't have to. Maybe there is a small reason for me to feel guilty, but I shouldn't even feel as guilty as I do. It's just who I am. I'm too shy and timid to stand up for myself, and when I try, I fail miserably. I just try to avoid problems, and it just makes more. But, I don't really see how I can change that, so I guess I can deal with the guilt until things level out a bit. I'm still happy though, probably happiest I've been all year. Well, except for my grades. Thaaaat's a different story. Haha.

Kirsten has prom this weekend. I want her to spend the night! And I need to buy a dress for her sweet sixteen. I want one, just because I don't really like spending my birthday alone, or without anyone even calling. I think it'll be different this year. I've got a handful of friends I wouldn't trade for the world.

My teddy is my favorite pillow. I can't sleep without him as my pillow anymore! He just makes me feel better.

Cupcakes.

I'm a huge fan of cupcakes, I'm going to admit, but I prefer to eat them, not find more than a dozen of them thrown up and down our driveway and at our cars. Especially when they're frosted. I find it baffling and hilarious that someone took the time to either buy or make cupcakes, drive to our house (which is in the middle of nowhere), turn off their car/lights so my dad wouldn't notice, and chuck the cupcakes at our house. I just don't understand it. We're all baffled, and none of us really know why someone would want to cupcake our house. I would understand throwing eggs, but... cupcakes? I think what's worse is I have small concerns that it might even have been done by "friends" of mine, who know just how anal my dad is about these things. Whoever did it, I think they should've thought more about the poor cupcakes they had thrown. I bet they were good.

Aside from that, I was out both Saturday and Sunday night with my friends, and although I don't want to be out every night, it's something I look forward to doing more often. I'm sad I missed out on at least one day of my weekend to sit around and do nothing, but that's what spring break will be for. One whole week of laziness. I think I deserve it, especially after the stress of finding out I was failing two classes and that I had to make up way too many tests, and way too many quizes. At least I'm feeling better now, and I got over my two or three days of being way too incredibly unhappy. I just needed to remember to breathe, that's all.

I'm happy that it's raining right now, and I hope that after I take my shower, it'll be raining when I go to sleep. It's one of my favorite sounds to fall asleep to.

Weakness.

When you pick up your phone and scroll through your contacts and can't find a single person you can call and cry to and tell all your problems to, that's when you realize that things really suck. I've never had a friend that I could call crying and tell them everything that's wrong with me. All of my other girl friends tell me that they called so-and-so when they needed help, but I don't have someone to call. Keeping in all of my problems and never bothering anybody with the most important ones ("I'm tired" is one I'll happily give out whenever I have a problem with not getting enough sleep) really can't be healthy. There ARE probably people I could call, but I'm afraid to call them, and I wouldn't even know what to say. I only know I'll never feel comfortable confiding in my mother and sister, seeing as they never are much of a help when I need them. I finally started telling them things, and all my mom can do is shrug and say nothing else, and Lisa. Well, Lisa just never ends up making me feel better about myself as a person, and I always feel like the villain, even though I know I'm the victim.

Real life (school AND friends) is kicking my butt right now, and I don't want to deal with it, but I know I have to. I need to concentrate on NOT failing this quarter of math, because there's no reason for me to be failing other than laziness. I'm just being lazy, that's all.

I also really need to learn to stand up to the people who don't deserve to be in my life, who aren't making it too easy for me. I'm just afraid of making people angry, and I have a problem with putting others before myself. If they're happy, than I'm happy. I hate being attacked by them, making them angry, being pressured by them. But I'm too weak and self-conscious to do anything about it, so I let it happen. I'm hoping next year will be a bit different, and that maybe I'll have the strength to stand up to them. It just gets old, being pushed around and taken for granted by so many people. I know I'm not a strong person, and I've never tried to tell anyone I was. I only know that I need to learn to put myself first in certain situations, and to concentrate on not keeping all of my problems to myself.

I'm not a strong person, but I want to be.