I want to cry.

I never go on here anymore.

Life has been too busy.

Today sucked, I've been sick for the past week, I'm afraid of failing, everything is going wrong, I'm lost, I feel like my friends think I'm stupid, I'm just miserable.

I think everything was fine before I got sick last week, and ever since I've felt nothing but negative energy. I don't know what to think about it, or how to get rid of it. I'm tired of feeling this way.

I'm afraid I'm going to fail the math test I have to take tomorrow that I missed on Monday, and I can't afford to fail it. I failed my bio test for sure, and that's just the worst. My friends always talk about how they feel no sympathy for people who can't go to college, or how people who go to community college are jokes. I don't think I can afford college. My parents are so against loans that I feel it'd be impossible to get one. I can't find any scholarships.

I'm really down on myself right now, and I really, really, really don't know what to do. I'm lost. I feel like everyone thinks I'm stupid and ignorant and annoying. I probably am. I'm tired of being pushed around and treated as if I'm irrelevant.

This is probably karma. I've been a terrible person. I'm surrounded by negative people who have no problem making fun of others, and it's hard to get out of that habit. I try, but it's hard. Those negative people are my friends, and there's almost nothing else wrong with them, but that's still a huge wrong in my book.

I really, really, really, really cannot stand my life at this moment. I feel like I have no one to talk to, because I'm afraid to talk to anyone. I hate listing my problems off to people I know. I feel like they'll judge me and just make fun of me. It hurts. I want someone to talk to, but the only person I felt comfortable talking to moved to a different country and we never talk anymore.

I just don't know what to do, where to go. I'm 100% lost, and right now, I have no faith in myself, or anyone else.

IN OTHER NEWS...

I finally got Dorian Gray on DVD. So, so happy.

AND YOU CAN'T STAND IT.

I'm not one for busy weekends, but this is one I will be able to get behind. Tomorrow, I'm going to Garrett's house with Kyle, and we're playing James Bond video games and Clue and messing with Ouija boards, and then his mom will yell at us for attracting crows. Knowing how it went last time when we were supposed to be doing our summer assignment for AP US History, we'll be playing games for hours. And hours. And hours.

Sunday is a homework today, because I'm 2 chapters behind for outlines in AP Bio, and I need to finish reading The Scarlet Letter and do recall patterns. Monday will be my favorite day, since a ton of my friends are coming over and we're going to have a Mario Party 8 Party in my room. At least 6 people are coming, and I'm super excited. For some reason, we get together to play video games or go to midnight premiers. I'm not afraid to admit that we're trying to form a Harry Potter club at school, and we've all ready planned who's going as who to the Harry Potter DHP7 premier. I am SO pumped for that. We're awfully dorky.

I'm really glad that it's September, and I hope that the year flies by super fast. I just have to remember to sign up to retake the AIMS tests, because I definitely want to Exceed Expectations in Math and Reading. I'm just really bad at tests. Really, really bad.

Tear it Down.

Today, I surprised myself. I came home, made a bowl of popcorn, and I did homework for two and a half hours. An hour on AP Bio outlines, and an hour and a half on APUSH summary/reactions to Chapter 2 of the best history book I've ever written. It was awesome. I plan on doing the same tomorrow.

Lisa and I just watched Dorian Gray, since she Netflix'd it. I watched it on Christmas online, and it was much nicer watching it on an actual TV. I still love that movie, although Prince Caspian is my absolute favorite.

As if Key Club wasn't enough to do on Saturday, along with my homework, I also am:
- going to breakfast with my family
- going to Key Club
- doing homework
- going to a bonfire
- trying to fit in sleep.

Everything would be on the same day. Totally typical.

I've all ready improved on my kindness, I'd like to think. Now, I need to improve my math grade and ace my quiz tomorrow. Fingers crossed!

Weightless.

I haven't blogged in about a month. That is totally insane. I think it's because I got a Tumblr, and while it's not "blogging", it's easier for me to do, because it takes a second to post something there, and half an hour for me to post something here. In other news, I've started school. I've stayed up to midnight all ready, broken down, stressed out over tests, failed my math quizzes (as usual!) and improved my outfits. Because that really matters. So far, AP US History is the easiest class, but we also haven't gotten very far, and our teacher has been absent a lot for appointments. English isn't all too terrible, but I'm not very good at memorizing stylistic devices and tropes, so I just have to work on my memorizing skills. AP Bio is all right, but science isn't my strongest subject, so I'm not expecting to do TOO well in that class, but I also know that it is one of the hardest classes you can take in high school, so I'm just happy to even be doing well right now.

In other news, my laptop completely died on me. Well, not really. It just refused to charge, so with 4% left on my battery, I had to find a solution, and quickly. Within three hours, I had used my college funds and bought a Macbook Pro, and that was last Sunday. I got it yesterday, and I am totally in heaven. Switching from a PC to a Mac is definitely hard to get used to, but I'm sure it'll feel more natural to me soon enough. I'm totally the envy of my family! But I'm also $1200 poorer once college rolls around. Bummer!

I'm supposed to be doing Bio outlines and a Dialectic right now, or at least starting them, but I'm just a tad too lazy, unfortunately. I know I shouldn't be, but I came home with a headache, and it just wasn't fun. Tomorrow I will definitely spend an hour on each, and hope that it pays off. I normally don't have much homework in my other classes, considering there's really only two others, so I think I should be fine. I just have to dedicate myself and not get distracted as easily as I usually do.

I've found myself saying really mean things about people, and I'm feeling absolutely terrible about it now that I've thought about it. It's really only about one or two people, but that's just not even acceptable. All of a sudden when school started, I just totally forgot about who I usually am and was just as mean as my friends can sometimes be. I'm working on it, and I'm definitely hoping karma doesn't attack me, as it likes to do.

In cat news, Thomas is definitely getting bigger, but he's still just as annoying as he's always been. It's not that bad, but having to protect the cats from him 24/7 does get a bit old, I have to admit. He's totally precious when he's sleeping, though, or when you first get home and he just wants to be held like a baby. Awh. Blacky's arthritis is getting worse, and we can tell just by the way he walks and sits all of the time. He also has been having issues eating, seeing as everything that he eats comes back out almost immediately. Well, most of the time. It's just not fun. After he's been with me for 14 years, I don't know what I would do without him. He's been a part of my life for as long as I can remember, and I've grown up with him. He may not be my cat, but he definitely means the world to me. I'm hoping he miraculously gets better, because I hate seeing him suffer. Oh, and Angel loves me just as much as she always has, and definitely loves cuddling and taking up the middle of my bed so that I have to awkwardly contort around her. It's perfect. Except when she bites me.

All in all, things are going okay, but they're not the best. I have to work on that. I think doing my homework without procrastinating is very important, as well as remembering what I've learned and continuing to be nice, and thinking positive thoughts about people, and recognizing their negatives are there for a reason, and not just to annoy me.

Also, I really need to clean my room. It's getting cluttered again. There's just too much stuff that needs to be put or thrown away. Mainly tissues. I caught the Buena Cold last week along with the rest of the school, and I'm still getting over it. I can luckily breathe through my nose again, but I'm still sneezing and sniffling a lot, as well as coughing.

I'm excited for this weekend, mainly because on Saturday Key Club is helping out the Boys and Girls Club and we're helping them paint something, though I don't know exactly what, and just cleaning up. And, then it's very likely that Ana, Mary, and I will go up to Tucson to eat Olive Garden, since I am a virgin, and then have a sleepover and watch Dorian Gray. Why did I not find these two sooner?! Dear lord.

So, I think that's enough or a blog update for tonight. A shower is needed, and I probably should get to bed early for once. And pick out my outfit. Good night!

Dress Up In You

Having a good group of friends is fantastic. It really makes a difference in my life, knowing that I have friends like the ones I have. It's awesome.

Right now, I just want it to rain like crazy so I can curl up in bed with some cats and just sleep. I'm really exhausted, and I don't feel like thinking about the rest of my summer homework I have to do. School starts next Wednesday. I don't think I'm ready yet.

How my life works.

This was how my day was supposed to go:
1) Wake up at a decent time, preferably 8.
2) Do normal wakeup routine, eat, and than take a much needed shower.
3) Do some yoga for once!
4) Check some internet goodies and then turn off the laptop.
5) Find a comfy spot and read one of four books that need to be read before school starts in less than a month. (Mind you, one is over 700 pages long and on the genius of Abraham Lincoln.)
6) Make a tasty lunch, like a salad or a sandwich!
7) Read some more.
8) Take a reading break and check up on some internet goodies.
9) Go back to reading!
10) Eat dinner
11) Read more!
12) Go to bed.

That was basically how I wanted my day to go. However.... it wasn't even close to that. I woke up at 7 (which was still decent in my mind), I did my wakeup routine, ate some breakfast, showered, and then checked some internet goodies. And then I checked some more. And then I found this funny blog that I'm still reading at this very moment. Then I decided to watch Spirited Away. And then I watched Howl's Moving Castle. Somewhere in between, I ate some Ramen and got a headache. Said headache got worse when my parents got home from work and Howl's Moving Castle was almost over. I then passed out on my bed because my headache was trying to murder me in some unfair way. I ate buttered toast with some cinnamon sugar for dinner, and then I finally took a much needed pill. Now, my stomach is all 'rawr, feed me more!' even though I really would rather not, so I'm about to eat a Starcrunch because I can't take this anymore.

I think tomorrow I'll try again to start cracking open one of those books. I know that war is an important part of American history, but I do not see why one has to be 500 pages long and all about the American Revolution. I know what happened, I really do. I'm not too interested in all of that detailed stuff.

In other news, in 10-15 days, three Buddha prayer beads will be arriving from China for me. I'm obviously ecstatic, needless to say.

Right now I still feel like keeling over and dying a dramatic death, because I'm feeling overly dramatic today for some odd reason. I'm not normally like this, I promise.

I've also realized I have a crooked smile. Good or bad? I'm not sure.